Releasing two books seems like small fry in the context of a year that also included an operation, an accident, a family emergency, a devastating restructure at work, a security threat that impacted my place of work, oh and the small matter of a global pandemic. 

It's hard to know what to make of this year. 

On one hand, I'm so lucky to live in Aotearoa and to have been so lightly touched by the pandemic. And I'm even luckier to have so many amazing supporters who pre-ordered my children's book Bruce Goes Outside, and my collection of short stories, Pet, and made the publication of them both possible. Thank you so much! 

On the other hand, it has been such a hard and disappointing time. Looking for photos for this update, there are few of me celebrating with others. There are no photos from the Pet book launch, because there wasn't one. The only images in my Pet folder are jaunty invitations to cancelled celebrations. 

My books seemed to come out at the worst possible time - when magazines that review books weren't being published, just a few weeks before the Kete book review site launched, and when Level Two and Three restrictions made it impossible to celebrate with in-person launches. I had four launches scheduled for the year (in Dunedin and Auckland) and we were able to go ahead with one. 

Thanks to Creative New Zealand I had the incredible opportunity to work with 17 extraordinary talented actors and the amazing Otago Access Radio (OAR FM) crew to create a podcast for Pet. Creating that podcast and getting to meet so many wonderful people was a highlight of my year. 

Other highlights included Steve Braunias and Newsroom coming to my rescue and enabling me to have an online book launch for Pet (thank you!) and the children at Port Chalmers Primary School following up on a workshop I held with them by presenting me with a book of their stories. Another highlight was being asked to be the guest speaker for a School Library Association of New Zealand event. The event organisers made me feel as though I was Stephen King! And my lovely work colleagues organised a spontaneous Pet book launch for me in an office space, complete with flowers and donuts! There is plenty to be grateful for this year. 

So, 2020 has left me with a lot of complicated feelings - but here's my 'annual report'. It follows the same format as last year's.  

Submissions
Last year I had a goal to send away 100 submissions. This year I was too busy crowdfunding to write or submit much new work. I made eight submissions to journals, competitions, residencies and funding bodies, and had six declines. I received CNZ funding to create a podcast, and one submission is still outstanding. 

Disappointments
Although my number of submissions was small, two of them were for opportunities that I desperately wanted. On the strength of Pet and its reviews I also approached several literary festivals, but haven't been invited to participate in any as a short story writer. Another disappointment was having to crowdfund my books. After the success of Bruce Finds A Home (lovely reviews, and 2000 copies sold) it would have been great to have received funding to assist with the publication of Bruce Goes Outside. And I would have dearly loved to have found a publisher for Pet. Crowdfunding is not a sustainable arts practice - something I might write about in an essay one day.

Silver linings
But as with everything this year, there have been silver linings to my disappointments. I was thrilled to be able to work with the extraordinary team at Mary Egan Publishing to release Pet, and I just love the cover design! The team at Mary Egan Publishing is amazing and I can't recommend them highly enough. And crowdfunding gave me the opportunity to connect directly with people who wanted to read my work! Wow! It blows my mind that there are people out there who are interested in reading what I write. Thank you so much for your support, it has meant the world during this challenging year. 

Successes

• I released my book of short stories, Pet!
• I released my children't book, Bruce Goes Outside!
• I successfully crowdfunded both books
• I participated in a Dunedin UNESCO City of Literature tour of primary schools with the wonderful Robyn Belton. The delightful and extremely well-organised tour was another highlight of my year
• I had stories published on Newsroom and in Cease, Cows (US)
• My story Luna's Crew was published in The Best of Auckland, which made it onto the NZ bestseller list!
• I contributed towards a web series, Misconceptions, which was hosted on NZ Herald and which has gone on to play in festivals around the world
• I passed the Learning Agreement for my Doctorate 
• The Holidays Act Amendment Bill that I have worked on with MP Ginny Andersen passed its second reading in parliament
• And of course I'm still managing social media for my cat, Bruce. He has over 49.5K Facebook followers now ... but I'm not sure how much longer I'll keep the Bruce thing going for. We'll see. 

Summary
Last year I said, "In 2020 I hope to publish both Pet and Bruce Goes Outside, and get a little further along on my doctorate of professional practice."
Nailed it!
So what do I want for 2021? I'm not sure yet. I would love to write and illustrate a third Bruce book, but the sales of Bruce Goes Outside haven't been as strong as they were for the first book, so I don't think it would be practical to do so. I hope to have finished, or be close to finishing my doctorate this time next year. And on the writing front, I'm not sure. Will I focus on trying to become the best short story writer that I can be? Or will I follow the scent of a novel idea? That's something for me to mull over during the summer break. 

As I finish this update I hear sirens. I look out my window to see what looks like the third serious house fire in my little town this year. 

I hope 2021 is an easier and happier year for us all. 

I'm so lucky to have been able to work with director Charlotte Wanhill and her amazing team to bring our myth-busting web series about miscarriage, Misconceptions, to the small screen. A new episode will be added to nzherald.co.nz each weekday until July 3.

Find the Misconceptions web series here.

As a valued stakeholder of 'Kathryn van Beek: writer', please find your copy of my 2019 Annual Report below. The report is structured as follows: submissions, disappointments, successes, a tribute and a summary. 

Submissions
My goal was to make 100 submissions to journals, competitions, funding bodies etc, and I came close this year with approximately 81 submissions made. 
These 81 submissions yielded 9 successes and 38 declines. Twenty-three submissions still await their fates, and I withdrew 11 submissions after the stories were accepted elsewhere.  

Disappointments
Of those 38 declines, I would say that 35 were 'oh well' moments, while the other three led to full-blown  'what is the point in going on I should just impale myself upon my pen' crises. 
I am also disappointed in myself for not finishing the illustrations for the second Bruce the Cat book (working on them now!). 

Successes

• I won the Mindfood Short Story Prize and was Highly Commended for the Sargeson Prize
• I received a 'Complete Manuscript Assessment' from the New Zealand Society of Authors and finished the manuscript for Pet, my collection of short stories
• I completed Local Legends, a series about Port Chalmers pubs 
• I had stories published by Mindfood Magazine, takahē Magazine and The Valley Review (Massachusetts), and others have been accepted by Newsroom, Geometry and Cease Cows (USA) - look out for these in 2020
• I was asked by the Otago Daily Times to contribute to the Best Book in the World series (I picked Charlotte's Web)
• My story The Hoarder was included in Fresh Ink, and we had a wonderful book launch at the University Bookshop
• I was invited to participate in Little Landers Literature with the wonderful Robyn Belton again this year. Thanks Dunedin UNESCO City of Literature! 
• I participated in a number of events including Iona Winter's fabulous Te Hau Kāika, and the Wild Imaginings Children's Writers and Illustrators Hui (with Fifi Colston!)
• The Holidays Act Amendment Bill that I have worked on with MP Ginny Andersen had its first reading in Parliament. You can watch it being read here, and check out a One News story here
• In a success / fail mix I was shortlisted for the Surrey Hotel Steve Braunias Memorial Writers Residency (success!), but didn't secure it (fail!). However, I was described by Steve Braunias as "real funny and super talented" (success!) ... and I am just realising now several months too late that I should have made that description my Twitter bio (fail!). 

And of course I'm still managing social media for my cat, Bruce. He has over 46K Facebook followers now, the handsome devil. 

A tribute to David 
Writing the 'Best Book in the World' piece was one of the highlights of my year, and a real testament to the wonderful man behind the series - talented journalist and really nice bloke David Loughrey. Unfortunately David passed away recently. I don't know what to say except David, in the short time that I knew you, you really enriched my world. Thank you.   

Summary ... and hopes for 2020
Though I didn't get the exact feather in my cap that I really wanted this year, I did pick up a bunch of other very nice feathers. 

In 2020 I hope to publish both Pet and Bruce Goes Outside (my second children's book), and get a little further along on my doctorate of professional practice. 

A huge thank you to everyone who has supported me this year. I love Aotearoa's literary scene - everyone I've met has been so generous and kind. Wishing all of you a happy and successful 2020. 

It's likely that the Holidays (Bereavement Leave for Miscarriage) Amendment Bill will have its first reading next week. 

The current wording of the Holidays Act makes it ambiguous as to whether bereavement leave can be taken in the event of pregnancy loss. 

The Bill, which is being championed by Labour MP Ginny Andersen, would make it clear that the unplanned end of a pregnancy by miscarriage or still-birth constitutes grounds for bereavement leave for the pregnant person and their partner or spouse, and that the duration of the bereavement leave should be up to three days. 

The Bill came about as a result of a letter I wrote to Clare Curran about the ambiguity in the Act. 

If this change goes through (after the first reading it needs to get through two more readings and two committees before being put forward for Royal Assent) it will be a small change for employers, but a huge improvement for people bereaved by miscarriage. 

Miscarriage is still a taboo subject and this is reflected in how we talk about it (it is barely mentioned in pregnancy books) and in the standard of care that people who experience miscarriage receive (most do not receive the support of a midwife). 

I hope that this change will help people bereaved by miscarriage feel supported by society at what can be a very lonely and isolating time. 

I also hope that by talking more openly about miscarriage we can help remove some of the stigma from what is unfortunately a very common experience.  

​If you would like to show your support for the Bill, please add your name to the Change.org petition. 

More information

• Track the progress of the Bill. 
• Read the Guardian article about the Bill. 
• Read my Spinoff article about the Bill. 
• Read my Spinoff article about miscarriage care. 

If you or someone you love is going through miscarriage, you can find helpful resources on the Miscarriage Support website. 

Photo: Needpix.com.

Miscarriage isn't talked about a lot - particularly the details. What is it, what should you do when it's happening to you, and how do you cope afterwards? I've spent the past few months working on an article about miscarriage that shares five personal experiences (including the experiences of a dad), plus information from infertility and baby loss counsellor Megan Downer. A huge thank you to The Spinoff for publishing this story today - and to the people who agreed to be interviewed for the article. I hope I've done your stories justice.

Read The Loneliness of Miscarriage on The Spinoff.

In this post I'd like to share a bit more information about miscarriage - Megan's tips on dealing with grief, information about the different types of miscarriage, and links to places where you can get support.

Coping with grief after miscarriage
Tips from infertility and pregnancy loss counsellor Megan Downer.

1. Give yourself permission to grieve and process what has happened. Miscarriage is a significant loss which is often silent and unacknowledged by others, making it difficult to work through.  
2. There is no ‘right way’ to feel following a miscarriage. Each person’s experience of pregnancy loss and the circumstances surrounding it are different, so it is important to not put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way.
3. When you are ready, ceremony or ritual to acknowledge the loss of your baby can be comforting.
4. Many women who miscarry find support from those who have been through miscarriage. Some women find online chat groups helpful during this time, eg facebook.com/groups/miscarriagesupportnz
5. Grief is emotionally and physically exhausting. Find some distractions to help you recover from the waves of grief that come. Mindfulness websites and breathing relaxation can be helpful.
6. The experience of miscarriage for some women can lead to PTSD and depression. Seek professional support from your GP or a qualified counsellor if you or your support people are concerned.
7. Communicate what you need to those around you.
8. Take care of yourself. Sleeping, eating and exercise are disrupted during grief and trauma but these basic things can help you to feel better.    
9. Men and women grieve differently. Listen without judgment to each other’s experience. You do not have to feel the same way to understand each other.
10. Counselling can be enormously helpful to those who have suffered pregnancy loss.  It provides a safe place to actualize their loss and talk about their feelings and find strategies to cope.
11. For those supporting someone who has miscarried, do not minimise the loss. Miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy and baby and is often devastating.

Types of miscarriage

• First-trimester miscarriage: Within the first 13 weeks.
• Anembyronic pregnancy: Also known as ‘blighted ovum’. A pregnancy in which the gestational sac continues to grow but the foetus doesn’t develop.
• Missed miscarriage: Where the miscarriage is diagnosed based on scans or other evidence, but there has been little or no bleeding or cramping.
• Molar pregnancy: A relatively rare condition caused by a chromosomal abnormality that causes pregnancy tissue to overgrow.
• Second-trimester miscarriage: A miscarriage that occurs between 13 and 20 weeks.
• Chemical pregnancy: a very early miscarriage, often undetected as the pregnancy loss may occur at around the same time as the woman’s period. These pregnancies are generally unconfirmed.   
• While not strictly a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy (where the embryo grows outside the uterus) is also a cause of early pregnancy loss.
• Recurrent miscarriage: In New Zealand recurrent miscarriage is considered to be three or more consecutive miscarriages, or two late miscarriages, with all pregnancies by the same partner. Recurrent miscarriage is estimated to affect between two and three per cent of women.

Management of miscarriage
If a miscarriage begins unexpectedly, you are advised to seek medical help. You can speak to your GP, your midwife (if you have been formally registered), visit an urgent care or after-hours medical centre, or call Healthline on 0800 611 116. If the bleeding is heavy, you are advised to go to hospital urgently. You may need to call an ambulance.

Miscarriage support
Visit the Miscarriage Support website for more information.
You can also join the private Miscarriage Support Facebook group to chat to other women who have experienced miscarriage.

Alicia Young is pretty much the worst pseudonym I could have chosen. I didn't even google it. I was walking through the fog of infertility treatment and probably not thinking clearly. I wrote a short series about undergoing IVF and having a miscarriage, and it was published on The Spinoff under Alicia's name. 

Alicia came out again recently when our PM revealed that she is expecting and I knew that a certain group of women (and their partners) would be juggling some mixed feelings about the announcement. The piece must have tapped into some kind of zeitgeist as it was picked up by The Herald Online and was printed in The Herald the next day. 

It felt weird and exposing and a bit self-indulgent to share such personal feelings, but the comments I received made me feel as though I did the right thing. 

"It was refreshing piece you wrote and I just wanted to say thanks. You helped me."

"Thank you for putting some of this into words. Know that you are not alone there are many of us feeling as you do, and we are grateful that you have had the courage to write this."

"Oh god, yes it hurts. I think she'll be due around the week as I was."

"Thank you for writing this."

Thank you to everyone who has expressed support for changing Section 69 of The Holidays Act so that those who experience miscarriage are entitled to take bereavement leave. I have talked to a very supportive local MP who may submit this as a Members’ Bill. 

Along with gathering your support, I’ve also reached out to organisations:

• CTU (the Combined Trade Unions), the PSA and TEU, to hear what experiences their members have had in regards to The Holidays Act and to find out if they will lend support
• Sands Bereaved Parents network, who have indicated that they may support this initiative 
• Otago Community Law Office, who Parliament suggested contacting in order to find out whether or not people have made similar submissions in the past

I will wait a few weeks to hear back from these organisations and will keep you in the loop. In the meantime if you would like to lend your support please get in touch or comment at the bottom of this post. 

I have also written a letter for the publishers of The New Zealand Pregnancy Book asking for more information about miscarriage to be included in the upcoming new edition. Sands may also be interested in supporting the letter, which you can read here. 

I’ve been trying to get some action on both of these issues since December. What I’ve learned is that the wheels of bureaucracy turn slowly – and that just when you think you’ve found the right person to talk to, they tell you that the right person to talk to is someone else! 

I listened to a great Freakonomics podcast with Trevor Noah yesterday, in which he said that trying to make change when you're angry is not effective. It was a great reminder to take a deep breath and play the long game. 

I’ve also discovered that even submitting a Members’ Bill is no guarantee that anything will change. The Bill might not ever get heard in Parliament. At the very least though, it may influence further changes to the Holidays Act in the future. Based on the advice I’ve received, submitting a Members’ Bill seems to be the best way to proceed. I think it’s worth a shot!